


stomach tied in knots

by poetictragedy



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Masturbation, Nipple Play, Voyeurism, also talk of:, logan sniffing a pillow while he masturbates because creepy?, talk of previous:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-13
Updated: 2012-10-13
Packaged: 2017-11-16 05:34:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/536061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetictragedy/pseuds/poetictragedy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Logan is hopelessly in love with Kendall. So when his best friend gets injured playing hockey with James and Carlos, Logan decides to take care of him, thinking that he can make Kendall fall in love with him. But, before he can really do anything for his broken friend, Logan overhears a conversation between Kendall and Carlos and his world comes crashing down; one-sided Kogan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	stomach tied in knots

When Logan comes in from helping Camille run lines, the first thing he sees is Kendall laying on the couch with his foot propped up on a couple of pillows. His forehead furrows as he gets closer, opening his mouth to ask if Kendall’s awake, before he sees the bandages wrapped around the other boy’s foot and ankle.

Heart pounding wildly, Logan gets to the couch and sits down beside Kendall’s head, looking down at him until the other boy’s eyes blink open, green irises locked on his own brown ones.

“What’d you do?” Logan asks, not taking his eyes off Kendall’s until the other boy looks down at his injured foot and snorts.

“I was playing hockey with James and Carlos,” Kendall starts, sighing as he looks back up at Logan with a mischievous smile. “And I was on  _fire_ , Logan! I was scoring a bunch of goals, getting them past Carlos with no problems, but then I twisted my leg a certain way and, well…” He gestures toward his foot with one hand and sighs, letting his eyes flutter shut.

Logan swallows hard and nods, listening to Kendall talk. “How bad is it?”

“It’s sprained, but I should stay off it as much as possible.”

“Do you need anything?” Logan looks down at Kendall’s leg and frowns before looking down at the boy next to him. “Some ice or aspirin?”

Kendall shakes his head and laughs, flashing a smile up at Logan, whose heart beats wildly when he sees Kendall’s dimples. “I think I’m good for right now,” he answers, the smile never leaving his face.

For a few seconds, Logan can’t stop staring down at Kendall and all he wants is to lean down and kiss him, taste his lips just once. He thinks that, maybe if he can do it, he’ll stop pining for Kendall and he’ll move on to someone else. 

“Are you sure?” Logan asks, finally, his voice cracking a little bit; he clears his throat and repeats the question, trying his hardest not to blush when Kendall laughs at him.

“Actually,” Kendall says, pushing himself up onto his elbows. “Could you get me a soda from the fridge? I’d do it myself, but —”

Putting a hand up to silence Kendall, Logan shakes his head and smiles. “I’m on it, so say no more,” he says, smiling more as he stands up. 

He doesn’t watch where he’s going — mostly because he’s too busy staring at Kendall and his dimples — and he runs into the coffee table, shins hitting the edge of it. Cursing under his breath, Logan limps into the kitchen and goes to open the fridge, bending down a little to grab a can of soda from the bottom shelf.

On his way back to the couch, Logan lets himself admire Kendall from afar — like he does practically every night — and he bites his lip, wondering what it would take to make Kendall fall in love with him. It’s selfish and Logan knows it, but he’s so helplessly and hopelessly in love with Kendall that it’s not even funny; all he wants it for the other boy to feel the same way.

“Here you go,” he says, opening the can for Kendall before handing it to him. “You sure you don’t need anything else?”

Kendall shakes his head, taking a sip from the can before setting it on the table. “I think I’m alright,” he answers, tipping his head back to grin at Logan. “Thank you, for doing this for me.”

Shrugging a shoulder, Logan smiles and waves a hand dismissively. “It’s no problem, really. Let me know if you need anything else, please? I’ll just be in our room.”

“I think I’m gonna take a nap, but I’ll keep that in mind.”

Logan nods to Kendall, heart pounding and sweat covering his palms as he turns to walk away, heading toward the bedroom they share. He goes inside and shuts the door quietly before leaning his weight against it, sighing heavily as he screws his eyes shut. 

One part of Logan wants to tell Kendall how he feels just to see if the other boy maybe feels the same way, but his heart is telling him that’s a bad idea. He keeps telling himself to give it time, that Kendall will see it on his own and that he’ll make a decision on whether or not he wants to be with Logan. The only flaw with that plan is that Logan is incredibly impatient when it comes to matters of the heart and he wants Kendall now.

Sighing again, Logan pushes himself off the door and opens his eyes, looking around the room slowly, gaze drifting toward Kendall’s bed. It’s a mess and Logan has half the mind to make it, but he stays rooted to his spot, biting his lip as a memory floods over him.

He woke up in the middle of the night, hearing the bed springs squeak next to him and he turned over, glancing at Kendall in his bed. When he saw the other boy shirtless and in just a pair of boxers, Logan tried to stay quiet; he bit down on his lower lip and watched one of Kendall’s hands disappear underneath the waistband of his boxers.

Logan has secretly watched Kendall jerk off in the middle of the night dozens of times before, but this time was different. This time, Kendall had one hand on his dick and the other on his chest, rolling a nipple between his fingers as he gasps, arching his back off the bed and canting his hips. It was the first time Logan had seen Kendall do that and he stared with wide eyes, watching the whole thing until the other boy came, groaning loudly as he collapsed against the bed.

“Fuck,” Logan mumbles, biting his lip as he moves a hand down to the front of his jeans, pressing the heel against his covered cock. He moans around his lip and keeps rubbing himself, walking to Kendall’s bed before laying down on it, moving both hands to the button and zipper of his jeans.

Once his jeans are undone, Logan slips a hand inside and underneath the waistband of his boxers, wrapping his fingers around his cock. He strokes himself slowly and writhes on Kendall’s bed, pressing his face against the other boy’s pillow, inhaling deeply. The smell of Kendall’s cologne, shampoo, and body wash mixed with the scent that’s naturally him fills Logan’s nostrils and he pumps his hand up and down, moaning against the pillow.

He replays the image of Kendall laying on his bed, moonlight washing over his sweat slick skin as he strokes himself, small whimpers and moans coming from his throat until he comes. The image makes Logan stroke his cock harder, thumbing across the head as he pulls his face away from the pillow, arching his back off the mattress, Kendall’s name being torn from his lips as he gets closer to coming.

After another handful of thrusts, Logan comes and nearly screams Kendall’s name, before remembering that the other boy is in the living room. Instead, Logan grabs the pillow and puts it over his face, every noise and moan falling against the fabric along with Kendall’s name. He whimpers loudly and pulls the pillow away, tossing it on the foot of the bed as he collapses against the mattress, panting heavily.

Logan lays like that for a while and then rolls off the bed, putting everything back the way it was before stripping his jeans and boxers off, wiping his hand on his underwear. He tosses his dirty clothes into the hamper and moves to the dresser, opening a drawer before grabbing a pair of sweatpants, slipping them on quickly as he makes his way to the door.

He opens the door and goes to step out, stopping dead in his tracks when he hears Carlos’ voice coming from the living room.

“Does he know that you know?” Carlos asks.

“I don’t think so,” Kendall answers, sighing heavily. “I mean, would you want the person you’re in love with to find out?”

Carlos is silent and Logan imagines him shrugging before he replies: “It all depends, I guess. I mean, if I felt the same way, I’d want them to come to me and say,  _‘hey, I’m in love with you’_  instead of keeping it to themselves.”

Kendall sighs loudly and groans, the noise making Logan’s heart speed up.

“Do you feel the same way?” Carlos’ question comes out of no where and it knocks the breath out of Logan; he tightens his grip on the door and swallows hard, straining to hear Kendall’s answer.

“I…” Kendall pauses for a second and huffs, before continuing, “Don’t tell anyone this, okay?” There’s another short pause and Logan imagines Carlos nodding his head and doing the Boy Scott salute like he always does; it makes Logan smile to imagine that and he bites his lip, listening to Kendall talk again. “I don’t feel the same way about Logan, no. I mean — he’s a great guy, _you_ know that, but I’m kind of already in love with James.”

Logan doesn’t hear anything else after that; he slumps back into their room and shuts the door louder than necessary, certain that Kendall and Carlos heard him but he doesn’t care. Everything comes crashing down on him and he starts to hyperventilate, tears prickling his eyes before falling down his cheeks as he leans his head against the door, trying to take deep breaths.

The room feels hot and dizzy and Logan’s suddenly nauseous, his stomach twisting into knots as he replays what Kendall said over and over. His mouth goes dry and he locks the door quickly before moving toward the en suite bathroom, slamming the door behind him just seconds before heaving into the toilet.

He sinks to his knees when he’s done and flushes the toilet, leaning back against the side of the tub, pulling his knees to his chest. Pressing his face against his knees, Logan closes his eyes and starts to sob violently, his body shaking as he lets it all out.

By the time he’s done, Logan feels like he could throw up again but, no matter how hard he tries, he can’t. So, he gets off the floor and goes to splash water on his face, drying off with a towel on the rack before looking at himself, biting his lower lip. 

“Yeah, why would he love me? James is so much better,” Logan mutters to his reflection before turning to leave the bathroom, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. He goes to the door and unlocks it, heart heavy in his chest as he opens the door slowly, peeking his head out, seeing Carlos standing in the hallway, chewing his lip.

“Hi,” Carlos says, lifting a hand to wave at Logan, giving him a smile. “You alright? We heard the door slam and Kendall made me come check on you, ‘cause he can’t walk.”

Logan licks his lips and swallows hard, his throat burning from throwing up. “I’m fine,” he lies, forcing a smile at Carlos, tears rimming his eyes again.

“Did you…” Carlos trails off and bites the edge of his lip again, his facial expression conveying the words that he can’t seem to find it in his heart to say.

“Hear Kendall say he knows I’m in love with him and that he doesn’t feel the same way? Yeah, heard every word of it.”

Carlos swallows hard and steps into the room, shutting the door behind him before wrapping his arms around Logan. The other boy buries his face against Carlos’ neck and starts sobbing, clutching at his shirt and tugging it as he cries, letting it all out for the second time.

It breaks Carlos’ heart to see his friend so upset and he pulls Logan over to his bed, sitting down before pulling the other boy onto his lap awkwardly. He holds Logan close, despite the awkward positioning, and starts humming quietly, carding his fingers through Logan’s hair slowly until he stops crying. When his body stops shaking and he stops sobbing, Logan pulls away and looks at Carlos, his face stained with tears.

“I’m sorry,” Logan croaks, laughing pathetically.

“For what — being upset over the guy you’re in love with?” Logan nods his head and sniffles, causing Carlos to shake his head and smile softly. “It’s alright; I know exactly how you feel, actually,” he says, voice cracking in a few places.

Logan raises a brow and sniffles again, mumbling, “Who are you in love with?”

“That’s irrelevant,” Carlos says almost immediately, biting his lip.

“Come on, it’ll make me feel better.”

Sighing, Carlos closes his eyes and moves his hand up and down Logan’s back slowly, giving him soft, comforting touches. “I’m in love with you, and I know that you don’t feel the same because you’re madly in love with Kendall,” he answers, keeping his eyes shut so he doesn’t have to see Logan’s face when he processes that information.

A choked off sobbing noise leaves Logan’s throat and he looks down, sniffling loudly as he fumbles with the string of his sweatpants. When he looks up again, he’s met with Carlos’ warm gaze and soft smile, his eyes glazed with tears.

“I’m sorry, Litos,” Logan whispers, burying his face against Carlos’ neck again, curling a hand around the nape, sobbing against his skin. “I w-w-wish things were different,” he hiccups, feeling Carlos’ hand on the back of his head.

“It’s fine, Logan.” Carlos pauses and sighs, closing his eyes again. “And at least we can be happy for James and Kendall,” he adds in a quiet voice, turning to press his face against Logan’s hair, sighing deeply.

That’s the last thing in the world that Logan wants; he doesn’t want to be happy for his friends, knowing that he could make Kendall happier than James could. He sighs against Carlos’ neck and nuzzles him once, wondering if maybe he should give up the idea of Kendall and try things out with Carlos. After all, Carlos is one of the sweetest, kindest, most adorable guys he knows… and Logan could see himself being happy with Carlos.

He doesn’t know how long he stays like that, with his face plastered against Carlos’ neck and his hand clutching the other boy’s shirt, but Logan doesn’t complain because Carlos is familiar; Carlos loves him and he doesn’t want to see Logan upset, so he just revels in having someone hold him for a while. 

While Carlos holds him, Logan tries not to think about James and Kendall, letting his mind wander on other things. Like Gustavo yelling at them for messing the bridge of a song up, or Bitters yelling at them for messing something up around The Palm Woods.

Soon, Logan falls asleep and barely feels it when Carlos moves him to the bed, tossing a blanket over him before leaving. He doesn’t wake up until later when Kendall comes into their room, hobbling in with his crutches, cursing under his breath as he knocks them against everything.

Logan waits until Kendall’s in bed before turning onto his back, staring at the ceiling quietly, listening to their breathing. “So… James,” he says, folding his hands on his stomach, trying to keep his breathing even.

“Yeah,” Kendall says, licking his lips. “I’m sorry, Logan. I really am.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I’m not the only one who got his heart broken today, so I guess I have a support group to go to when I’m feeling shitty about myself,” he responds, closing his eyes to keep the tears in.

Kendall goes quiet and Logan thinks he’s asleep, before he says: “Carlos really loves you, Logan, and he’s a great guy. So much better than me, if you sit and think about it.”

“Mm,” Logan hums, making a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat.

“Don’t break his heart anymore, please. Take it all out on me, but at least give Carlos a chance, Logan,” Kendall pleads and Logan can hear the sincerity in his voice.

Turning onto his side with his back facing Kendall, Logan closes his eyes. “I’m going to give him a chance, but not because you begged me to. I’m doing it because I don’t want to see Litos hurt any more than he already is,” he says, folding his hands underneath his pillow. “Goodnight.”

“Night,” Kendall replies, sighing as he closes his eyes.

The two of them fall silent after that and Logan falls asleep quickly, dreaming about Carlos and James and Kendall, thinking up a universe where they’re all happy with the ones they’re in love with. 

Except, in this dream, Logan is with Carlos and James is with Kendall and they’re all happy, which gives Logan hope, when he wakes up, that he’ll be happy with Carlos.


End file.
